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Joke of the Day

"The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children. May I recommend swimming lessons?"

"I'm one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow."

"What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus? Your funding revoked by the ethics board."

"Do I speak German? Nein"

"Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago."

"Dont wanna cause any alarm.But hold off on the #HappyNewYear stuff.Just traveled 1 yr into the future.lets just say it went badly 4 all of u"

"The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is ""notice anything different?"""

"Why don't hipsters shoot heroin? It's too mainstream"

"What did the little black kid think when he got diarrhea? He was melting"

"What's the difference between Ant and Dec and lesbian sex? Nothing. They're both just a couple of cunts bouncing off each other."