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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a lizard that doesn't work? A reptile dysfunction."

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You're now your own worst enemy. Don't freak out."

"I just did my budget for June. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here."

"Things I haven't seen in a while: 1) the 2yo I'm babysitting today 2) a man 3) my waist-line 4) my imaginary goat, Bill 5) my sanity"

"how are bi planes different from regular planes? a lot of them have a wide open cockpit."

"What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!"

"Date like a boyscout Leave em better than you found em."

"The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie. Whoever wins, we lose."

"customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS"

"[audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly"