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Joke of the Day

"Dropping your keys standing over a grate and them not going through is God reminding you that he could fucking kill you if he felt like it."

"That's offensive -- Pikachu is his slave name."

"I know it's gross, but the only time it's acceptable to shout 'I have diarrhoea' is when playing scrabble. Because it's worth a shit load of points. - Zach Galifianakis."

"The day I decided I wanted to do drugs Was the day I saw your crack"

"What's worse than a chauvinist man? A woman who doesn't know her place."

"What did the paraplegic father say when his teenage daughter came out of the closet? I will not stand for this."

"Women are like buses... very few will let you come in through the back door."

"Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?"

"""Mommy, why did Santa decide to deliver presents on Jesus' birthday."" Shits about to get REALLY dishonest up in here."

"What do you call the TMNTs doing stand up comedy? April's Fools!!!"