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Joke of the Day

"Wife*outside bathroom door*:""I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?"" Me*pauses knitting*:""Uh, Ya"""

"My penis was in a Guinness Book Of Records... ...but then they threw me out of the library."

"I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess."

"What is the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes"

"What do you call a shirt you hate? *Cloathed*"

"I just spent several seconds trying unsuccessfully to delete a comma. Turns out somebody sneezed it onto the computer screen."

"I don't always date people with... I don't always date people with chromosomes... But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

"How did the lawyer chip his tooth? The ambulance slammed on its brakes."

"Polish bank robber tied up the safe, blew the guard."

"3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me."