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Joke of the Day

"Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you're just left with onion. pretty crazy huh Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*"

"*erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*"

"There's been a lot of sexual assaults at a bread store in India The media's calling it the Rape of Naan King"

"The difference between me & normal people is the normal"

"What Did The Hard Drive Get When It Wanted Data But Didn't Have The Resources? A Cache-Advance"

"""Oh, a bubble bath! That sounds nice and refresHOLY SHIT Ahhhhhhh!"" - Lobsters"

"Why do people say love is like chemistry? Because you can put it in someones drink"

"Why did the robot become a museum curator? Because he was an Art-Offical Intelligence"

"Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers."

"Which trees have the most friends? The poplar ones."