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Joke of the Day

"GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- ""what's the deal with airline food?"" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL"

"Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours"

"I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet."

"No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were."

"Why did the plane crash Because the pilot was a loaf of bread"

"Cop: First name please... ""Frida"" Cop: Last name... ""Gomam"" Cop: You're Frida Gomam? *peels out* Cop: Nice, nice"

"Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person"

"Don't you hate people that answer their own questions ? I know I do..."

"TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops wrong sub"

"I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."