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Joke of the Day

"Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours"

"[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire] me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman? her: I did"

"I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives."

"Can you cover for me/ I missed my shift."

"[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire... Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness] Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS"

"I'm in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib-- I'm in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though"

"There is nothing funny about PMS **.**"

"The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media."

"How High Are You? Officer: How high are you? Me: No Officer, it's hi, how are you?"

"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour."