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Joke of the Day

"I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special."

"What's the worst part about being a black Jew? you have to sit at the back of the gas chamber."

"9: ""Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?"" Me: ""No, I got it as a gift."" 9: ""Well, can I have it when you die, then?"""

"You know it's a crazy party when the toilets smell less of puke than the dancefloor."

"When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together. Which was a shame, because he is very attractive."

"3yo: make me oatmeal me: *poof* you're oatmeal 3yo: me: *makes oatmeal"

"A woman screams as she gives birth... ""What's wrong, honey?"" her husband asks. ""What's wrong?!?"" the woman shouts, ""THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"" ""Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"""

"Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants!"

"Me: I don't care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don't start cooperating. Wrapping paper: *rips*"

"Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle."