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Joke of the Day
"I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette."
Next Joke
"What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do? Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog."
"Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets seem to be facing the same way."
"Alarm clocks should come with sounds like ""doll feet running into the closet"" Because I AM NOT HITTING SNOOZE WHEN I HEAR THAT SHIT"
"My girlfriend complained about my obsession with spices. So I said, ""Bae, leave."""
"*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode* *changes Twitter bio to ""musician/songwriter""*"
"The US can't rely on Hillary Clinton to create jobs The last meaningful job Hillary had was outsourced to Monica Lewinsky... ...and Monica blew it!"
"What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie? Professor + I'm sorry. lol."
"""Betty White"" What the African American said when he heard there was a new Pope."
"Photographer with really bad eyesight is the happiest because he doesn't need any lenses to see perfect bokeh."