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Joke of the Day

"On the set of a movie... ""Alright folks that's a wrap"" ""Actually sir it's a panini"" ""Ugh..Take five"" But there weren't enough paninis for everyone to take 5"

"My books fell on my head last night.... I only have my shelf to blame. :("

"What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work? Antifistamines."

"You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords."

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? When it comes to the police car, all the pricks are on the inside!"

"I am always excited during your birthdays because... You're one year closer to being dead."

"Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?"

"2 Scientists walk into a bar, one asks for H20 and the other asks for H20 too. The other scientist dies."

"Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards."

"*Gets divorced* *Deletes 'actress' from LinkedIn profile*"