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Joke of the Day

"[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos"

"How can you tell if a package is gay? It cums in the male"

"""We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair."" -Every store ever"

"so this cargo of brain transplants went missing and... uh... ... ah shit... lost my train of thought"

"What did the right breast say to the left breast in the mirror? You look like a right tit in that."

"""Say TGIF ONE more time"" I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, ""Go ahead, say it again."""

"A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window. The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks. The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces. The windows phone freezes mid decent."

"Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day. How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool."

"My wife googled ""when is it safe to leave a child at home alone"" and now she won't let me stay home alone."

"I went to a library... I went to a library and asked the librarian for a book on suicide. Then the librarian turned to me and said ""Fuck you, you wont return it!"""