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Joke of the Day

"My wife googled ""when is it safe to leave a child at home alone"" and now she won't let me stay home alone."

"gardening i spent alot of my days trying to grow a specific seasoning in my garden. it took forever, but once it finally produced, i had the thyme of my life."

"fifty shades of grey It's the REAL verson of fifty shades https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU0yHAtqe4k"

"Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month."

"[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you."

"Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman."

"I went for a run and got back two minutes later because I forgot something, I forgot I'm fat and can't run for more than two minutes."

"Stop editing ya'll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person."

"""Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?"" ""Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time."" ""Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."""

"No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border of Canada."