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Joke of the Day

"Don't make a mountain out of a molehill Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens ... I think my cough medicine expired"

"Me: Is that seat taken? You: You are pointing at my face... Me: I know."

"You know those voices in your head? Choose the smartest, sanest one and call it you."

"So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened... It just didn't make scents."

"What happened when the pig ran into his ex? there was a porkward silence"

"What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon... and Michael Jackson liked to rape little boys."

"""Why are you so excited?"" the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. ""But doc this is my first operation."" ""Really? It's mine too and I am not excited at all."""

"If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days"

"that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in... and your pants are up."

"I realized why the media isn't taking my presidential campaign seriously. Occasionally, I'll slip up and accidentally tell the truth."