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Joke of the Day

"I figured out a way to chop onions without crying... The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion."

"Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too"

"Why did the woman marry the shoe maker? Because she was his sole mate."

"They agree I'm funny I started my new job at the retirement center today. Told the residents that I'm a really funny guy. They didn't understand any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves."

"Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him."

"Mom, come quick, daddy hanged himself in the attic! Gotcha, April fools day! He hanged himself in the garage."

"Don't iron your four leaf clovers You don't want to press your luck."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot"

"My Father always said ""You should fight fire with fire"" He didn't last long as a fireman."

"Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?"