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Joke of the Day

"I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil."

"Food Network makes me feel like a perv: Beat it It's not moist enough My wrist is tired Look how thick it's getting It's all about flavor"

"I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels."

"""Adorkable,"" I say nervously, looking into the bathroom mirror. ""Adorkable. Adorkable."" A fire erupts behind me. Zooey Deschanel emerges."

"My son touched my leg & said ""so soft!"" Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him. Girls aren't exactly rocket science, guys."

"What's blue, white and red? A cancerous child who fall down the stairs."

"What do you call a threesome with two guys and a girl? ...a DVD."

"Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb? A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!"

"So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account... He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him."

"The doctor said I have only a month to live so I shot him. the judge gave me 50 years"