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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a baby girl who died of alcohol poisoning? Give me a blender and we'll call her a bloody mary."

"When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate."

"So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance."

"Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?"

"If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral."

"Jesus at the Last Supper. Jesus: *breaks bread* - This is my body! *holds a glass of wine* - This is my blood. *starts to open a jar of mayo* Judas: Sorry Jesus, I will have to stop you there."

"What does an old woman's qwiffy taste life? Depends ."

"If I committed suicide, I'd do it in front of a mirror... I'll see myself out."

"What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? ...nothing."

"What do you call a prostitute drinking tea in Seattle? Hooker Tea Washington."