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Joke of the Day

"If the backup sensor beeping in my car is keeping with the beat of the song I'm listening to I'm probably just gonna hit whatever it is."

"What does a redneck garden gnome hate more than anything? Transplants"

"[first date] ""I learned to crochet in prison... Now you say something."""

"age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I ""slept funny"""

"Why did the Shitaki left the party? It was too crowded and there wasnt mushroom. It's a pitty he left... He is a funghi!"

"God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib"

"Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage."

"How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy? Because old Hobbits die hard..."

"I'm a trustworthy friend. Count on me to tell you when our relationship is over."

"Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested? It was a PDF file."