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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart."

"What do you get when you order a JFK? An americano with an extra shot"

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've already lost three days."

"I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt."

"No thanks CVS, I don't need a bag. I'll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me."

"4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths."

"What does a code-switching trilingual Russian say when he wants to increase his bovine supply? Mas cow."

"I saw an expensive prostitute She gave me lobsters."

"I'm a die hard Bruce Willis fan."

"Nothing says ""I've made poor life decisions"" like a couch in your front yard."