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Joke of the Day

"Girl: Mom mom a monster's just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well keep out of the kitchen I've just washed the floor."

"The other day my buddy asked me if I wanted a warm Budweiser I replied, "" No its fine, I brought my own piss, ill just drink that. """

"I read a study about how sleep deprivation causes false memories ...I think"

"Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team."

"What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money."

"Twitter is the new flypaper."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney."

"Superman: Who's gonna be Batman? *leaves Earth*"

"When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet? I say ""Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."""

"I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast"