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Joke of the Day

"What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat."

"Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that [Later in bedroom] Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?"

"I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her."

"I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier... She asked for me to call her an ambulance. I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead."

"What's the difference between a robber and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch"

"A group of kids asked me to make a donation to their school & I was so moved I had to reach in my pocket & slowly pull out my middle finger."

"My doctor diagnosed me with incompetence and constipation... But I really don't give a shit"

"What's red and smells like green paint? Red paint"

"What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger"

"Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won't go into a corn maze without a machete."