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Joke of the Day

"Why is eastern europe filled with strippers? Because they like Poles."

"DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]"

"What does the secret service man say to the other secret service man when he has to go to the bathroom? Hold on I have to take Obama to the White house."

"Imagine how much self-control the people who make bubble wrap must have."

"Quit calling me to the front of the store to claim my lost child! Drop her in the lost & found and I'll get her when I'm ready."

"What do you call an Irishman sitting on his veranda? Patty O'Furniture."

"Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid."

"My own ass has been talking shit... but it's just a bunch of hot air."

"A baby seal walks into a club. ...while two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Bah-dum-tsssssss."

"trolls have found a terrible new way to antagonize me. it is called ""retweeting"" and it works by exposing my posts to scammers & crumb bums."