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Joke of the Day

"NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese"

"The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back."

"I'm such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me."

"I was at the doctor... I was at the doctor getting my rectum checked and I asked him ""Where do I put my pants?"" He said, ""Over there by mine."""

"TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan. EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker"

"A man runs home after winning the lottery ""Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"" ""Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"" ""I don't care, just get out!"""

"A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was ""yesss"" because I'm nosey."

"A guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. Then he said ""i've got too much time on my hands"""

"4:*calls thing wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*repeats wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly"

"Don't be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails."