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Joke of the Day

"I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we're both laying in the floor looking at my phone."

"[A field] *An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun* Me: It's time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*"

"Now that we're moving in together I feel it's time to fill him in on the secret I've protected him from for 5 years: Girls poop too."

"Still a lotta racism down south. Just today I saw some asshole on his whiteberry."

"If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?"

"I hate it when you buy a packet of M&Ms And it's full of W's."

"I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it Happy Birthday man, we miss you"

"I removed the shell from my pet snail... because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish"

"I freak out when i don't see the L and R marks on headphones. There's no way I'm taking that risk."

"""Actually I have a lot of secs"" is apparently not the right answer to ""Do you have a sec?"""