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Joke of the Day

"Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant."

"I hate going left Because it's just not right."

"When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History."

"What do elves learn at school? The elf-abet!"

"Are you an infidel? 'Cause i beheaden' your way."

"I sometimes sit in the space between two buildings holding a large heap of catnip. You know, to get me some BACK ALLEY PUSSY."

"If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one."

"My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe"

"What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac? One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue."

"Open an ice cream shop with flavors like ""don't be sad,"" ""they're not worth it,"" ""you deserve better"" and see if people don't flock right in"