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Joke of the Day

"Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind"

"Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death."

"I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering"

"Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home."

"Calling them ""boobs"" is so immature. Please use the proper name, ""lovely lady lumps""."

"My recipe spilled over a little because I put baking soda in my chicken broth It wasn't a big soup rise"

"I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball."

"Two cashews walk into a bar... The Bartender says ""How about a glass of our most expensive wine?"" The Cashews reply, ""Do you think we're Nuts?!"""

"MUGGER: give me ur wallet ME: stand back i have mace MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze"

"I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.."