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Joke of the Day

"Chick Peas and everyone wants to watch."

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?"

"*Clark Kent takes his glasses off* Jimmy: ""OMG, it's Superman!"" *Clark puts his glasses back on* ""OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!"""

"If you can't pee, Urine trouble."

"Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great."

"In Victoria Secret shop... sir can i help you? yes...does this come in children sizes?"

"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa Not screaming in petrified terror, like his passengers."

"I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it'd atleast be a little funny."

"The best part about being thirty is that I'm finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies."

"A sweet treat. I find my sex life is a lot like Nutella. Everyone loves it and has it all the time, and I'm just sitting in bed alone with a box of Ritz crackers."