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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*"

"What do the English use to blow up their enemies? Tea N' Tea."

"You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account."

"If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line ""lettuce romaine friends"" at a low cost of my student loans."

"What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk"

"How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on the definition of lightbulb."

"What does a chef with a chronic masturbation issue cook? Fapjacks!"

"bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]"

"My wife is fucking awesome. Although usually I prefer to go by Steven."

"How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? Take the 'F' out of safe and the 'F' out of way."