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Joke of the Day

"My daughter wanted to be a princess... ...so I got divorced, married a horrible woman with three ugly kids, and left them all to it."

"Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink."

"The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me."

"When I was a kid, I use to think a ""sexual predator"" was a horny alien from the movie ""predator"" Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes."

"I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin."

"WOMEN Woo men."

"How tall is Luke Skywalker? Six foot force :)"

"What did the pony say after he coughed? ""Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."""

"I recently saw a video of a lady in a burkha do the ice bucket challege. She accidentally water boarded herself."

"A well timed ""Have a good day!"" can be a great substitute for ""Fuck you!"" in almost every situation."