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Joke of the Day

"*on my deathbed* *groggy, dazed, & delirious* Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: *pulls plug*"

"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool."

"5yo slooowly walks by: ""Hi, mom and dad."" 4yo slooowly walks by: ""Hi, mom and dad."" CODE RED CODE RED"

"If my cat didn't want to smoke cigarettes then he never should have bought that leather jacket"

"Why would an upright vacuum cleaner with no wheels make a better President than Hillary Clinton? Well, they both suck and have trouble moving forward, but at least the vacuum has a handle on it."

"Why was the jacket stinky? Because it was a windbreaker."

"I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but... Remains to be seen."

"""If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son."" -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy."

"I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers."

"I'm constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit."