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Joke of the Day

"What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom? ""Well, I fucked that one up."""

"Person: What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years? Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision"

"Q: Why would you take a hammer to bed? A: So you could hit the sack."

"[white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions? *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe. *Biden returns to coloring book*"

"I am a single male and I folded a fitted sheet at the laundromat today AMA!"

"Did you hear about the woman who had a face transplant... They had to use human foreskin for her eyelids. She's going to be a little cock'eyed for the rest of her life."

"A recruiter asked me if I wanted to be a hardcore developer I said sure, I've always wanted to work for PornHub"

"Me: So if I call Canada it's billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound."

"I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out."

"Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire"