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Joke of the Day

"Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?"

"I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry ""invasion of privacy"" when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public."

"To Doo List: 1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri"

"How do you say ""bra"" in German? Stopsemfromfloppin"

"The Energizer Bunny died last night... ...of sexual exhaustion. Someone put in his batteries the wrong way and he just kept coming and coming and coming..."

"[first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?"

"People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays... But everyone I know has a Mac"

"My ex-wife still misses me... ...but her aim is getting better!"

"The breweries of the United States are planning to overthrow the government... It's a consbeeracy!"

"I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!"