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Joke of the Day

"A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, ""Get me a cold one."" The bartender gives him my girlfriend."

"I go to seafood restaurants to show the lobsters in the tank I have a bigger penis than them. Then shrug my shoulders as they boil to death."

"What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese."

"How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation"

"What is it called when an Ethiopian takes a shit? Bragging"

"Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?"

"You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine."

"(Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.) Text: Hey what are you up to?"

"*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah* Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!"

"Going to work My boss told me yesterday, ""Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want"". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired."