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Joke of the Day

"TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism. -Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16"

"What is the difference between a dead hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion."

"I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke."

"Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we'll let you go Bad Batman: Ben Affleck"

"Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP"

"What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight P.Cs of eight."

"Why didn't Jeffrey Dahmer eat vegetables? He didn't like getting rid of all the wheelchairs"

"I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right."

"How do you make a rave party in Africa? You stick a piece of bread on the ceiling."

"Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited"