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Joke of the Day

"My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls"

"I can't wait for turkey dinner tomorrow. I love middle eastern food."

"Why couldn't Helen Keller vote? She was a woman! And it wasn't until 1920 when the 19th Amendment was ratified. At this point she was 40 years old and could vote."

"What do you call a jewish eskimo? A kike!"

"If you don't have a condom, put a stone in your shoe.. ...it'll make you limp."

"Which is the most religious vegetable? The Pope-tato"

"I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. ""Meow."" Okay! I'm opening the can now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!"

"Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team"

"What's a Rabbi's favourite drink? Mountain Jew."

"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"