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Joke of the Day

"[roommate hears me come in] ""how was the date?"" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish"

"What's the powerful weapon in Greenland's arsenal? The Nuuklear Bomb"

"Why does a hummingbird hum? It forgot the lyrics."

"Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12."

"I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body But then my mother gave birth"

"I asked my dad about music these days He said it's all about the junk in the truck so you better shake that butt."

"When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'"

"I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship."

"What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a mattababy? [Works every time] What's a mattababy? Nothing what's a matta with you"

"Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?"