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Joke of the Day

"""bowl of chips"" 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips."

"Women are like parking spots they are either taken or handicapped."

"I've got a joke. The U.S. election system."

"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? One. Unless it's a black bulb then he calls for backup."

"What do a Caucasian woman's breasts have in common with clouds? They're both white fluffy things that float high above the fruitful land where the seeds are planted. Source: Brandon Sanderson"

"If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead i would probably just cancel on them at the last minute"

"""Hurt me!"" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... ""Alright,"" I said. ""You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."""

"[date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um"

"Use this to start a conversation with a stranger. ""On a hot day nothing feels more relaxing then butt chugging a slushy. Say, do you have a funnel?"""

"What's the worst part about looking at internet porn? When the librarian tells you to leave."