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Joke of the Day

"After watching all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies I realized the biggest twist... ...his career has been dead the whole time."

"*steps on a Lego* *shouts a bunch of obscenities* Son: *walks in* is football on?"

"What do you call a cop in court for murder? Unlikely"

"[australia's first national meeting] Do we want to make our own language? That's too hard, let's keep this one but say everything weird"

"Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them."

"What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Aye matey."

"What do you call a muslim on a plane? A passenger ... You racist bastard."

"Me: Describe your love for me in one word. Him: My what?"

"I went through a Skrillex phase I had to stop though. It got expensive dropping everything all the time!"

"Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa"