60117

Joke of the Day

"If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra."

"Reddit is like my ex. The biggest time waster ever."

"Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub (2) I'm banned from Subway"

"That's Odd. I can't even."

"What did Jay Sherman say about your breath? It stinks!"

"Look I see that you love me and would die for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I'll play the odds. -Woman logic"

"A bit of Christmas Doggerel Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry, you better bite the pillow, cuz I'm going in dry."

"[The mid 20s catch up] ""What are you drinking, who you seeing?"" [The midlife catchup] ""Who's your therapist, what are you taking for it?"""

"Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for."

"My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs. I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber."