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Joke of the Day

"Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates""."

"Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me."

"Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word ""wifi"" rather than ""le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils"" or some shit."

"According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago."

"Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth? And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?"

"BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags? ME: Of course! BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]"

"I was raised by my father. He was a competitive poker player."

"Right now, someone is wearing cargo pants and getting away with it. I can't even concentrate on my book."

"*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out"

"I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic."