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Joke of the Day

"My kids lost a Barbie shoe. I dug in the trash and found one. It was from a set they didn't know was missing Now I'm looking for 2 shoes."

"How do crazy people get through a forest? They take the psycho-path!"

"School day Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Father: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!"

"[lights 2016 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm engulfed in flames]"

"Why was the peanut so salty? Because it got R O A S T E D"

"Why the U.S suck at chess? 'Cuz they lost two towers"

"Did you hear about the kidnapping? They woke him up."

"Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping... ...at least he had the ball to admit it."

"I can't get hard unless I can hear a gluten intolerant person weeping over a menu."

"What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed? ""No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"""