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Joke of the Day

"Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping"

"What happens when a linguist gets sick? Plosive diarrhea"

"[text] ""Hey"" Hi. ""I'm just laying in bed thinking about you."" This is your mom. ""New phone who dis?"" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me."

"*jumping on a trampoline* What do you mean you want full custody?"

"I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"

"Badum tish. Hey, so this baby seal walks into a club."

"Why isn't the band ""1023 MB"" famous? They haven't had a gig yet."

"[dark alley] Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures. Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?"

"Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing."

"What did the acorn say when it grew up? Geometry"