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Joke of the Day

"Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan"

"I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times."

"What do you do when a Chemistry teacher dies ? Barium"

"God: I call it a Caterpillar Angel: What is it? God: A worm with feet Angel: You're really out of ideas huh? God: Then it grows wings"

"Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT."

"I'm developing a fear of German sausages... I fear the wurst!"

"How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch? The screen stays black when you check the time."

"A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it? A surname."

"What is a Canadian's favorite board game? Sorry!"

"It's said that if you look directly into Chuck Norris' eyes you can see the beginning and end of all things...... but no one has had the balls to try."