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Joke of the Day

"Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad."

"My dad used to warn me about anal He said ""Son, this might hurt a bit."""

"Titanium is a most amorous metal... When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything."

"My Lebanese friend knocked over his dip. I had to report him for hummus-side. Edit: changed arrest to report because reasons."

"Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with ""mad cash"" on your face?"

"Mugger: ""Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!"" Me: ""My personal identification number number?"" *he stabs me*"

"I had sex last night... Her: You don't have AIDS, right? Me: Of course not, why? Her: Oh thank goodness! I got it last time and it really sucked."

"I'm flying to NYC today and I don't care what the flight attendant says, I will be using my seat cushion as a fartation device."

"they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like ""oh"""

"Did you hear what ubisoft rated assassins creed black flag? They rated it ARrrrrrrr 16."