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Joke of the Day

"""You can be anything!"" Okay I'm going to be Kanye west ""Josh that's not what I meant"" Shhhh *puts my finger to her lips* It's Kanye now"

"Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat"

"How do cows multiply? With cowculators!"

"Whats the difference between a joke and 2 dicks. You cant take a joke"

"[arguing with my wife] WELL AT LEAST I DON'T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH"

"Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter... I've fallen on some hard Times."

"Before I go swimming in the ocean... I always slather myself in marmite, that way I have a 50% chance of not getting eaten by a shark."

"What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine"

"What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Elton John."

"*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins."