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Joke of the Day

"[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile."

"there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people."

"Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette"

"Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing"

"I didn't give a f*ck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don't give a flying f*ck."

"My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834"

"Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid."

"The only indie movie I like is Raiders of the Lost Ark"

"What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? Patty O'Furniture."

"Why did Hitler called it ethnic cleansing? He showered them."