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Joke of the Day

"Bill Clinton voted for Hillary Clinton in the electoral college today. First known instance of him being faithful."

"Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is"

"What kind of medicine do bears take? Bayer Asprin"

"What are mixed feelings? Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW."

"My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool"

"You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store."

"ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: ""she's nuts. This guy rules*"

"Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now."

"The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense"

"You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don't, because your job is dull and no one cares."