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Joke of the Day

"Doctor, reading chart: ""Says here you're improving!"" Doctor: ""...Oops."" *slowly turns chart rightside up*"

"What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain."

"How do you get a one armed man out of a tree? Wave to him"

"Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids."

"Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!"

"Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists."

"Why was Luke Skywalker late? He didn't run, ewok-ed."

"I once had sex on a camping trip... It was fucking in-tents"

"Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?"