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Joke of the Day
"I wear glasses during math, Because it improves division."
Next Joke
"*Cop yells at dog* LADY WHAT ARE U DOING *dog continues to give birth* THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR *looks directly at camera* LITTERING"
"I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, ""I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."" Then I said, ""turn left."""
"If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parentheses."
"[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl] Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,"
"What's the best thing about having insomnia? Only one nights sleep til Christmas!"
"You know, once I entered a pun contest, I gave in 10 puns hoping one would win Unfortunately, no pun in ten did"
"Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell ""Come with me if you want to live!"" so she knows she married pure awesomeness"
"in the 2020 olympics ... ... after Trump has become president, USA will have the best pole vaulting team in the world, consisting of only mexicans"
"I've got washboard abs. As soon as I can find someone with clay-jug abs and someone with jews-harp abs, we can get started on our old-timey-hobo-band abs."