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Joke of the Day

"[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl] Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,"

"Poor old lady!! I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse."

"Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up."

"I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So... someone remind me what Pres Bieber's health care bill will do to your mom?"

"I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees. ""Give me a ""g"" ""Give me an ""h"" They hate me now."

"Customer spelling her name: Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra? Her: Z as in Xylophone. And this, kids, is why education is key."

"I've discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly."

"I walked in to the library today... and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded ""I don't think it is in yet."" I said, ""That's the one."""

"I'm holding a party for people who can never reach orgasm If you can't come let me know."

"Did you see that new porno with the invisible man? He came out of nowhere!"