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Joke of the Day

"me: i'm really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello kidnapper: pls stop talking"

"I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy. It's called ""NSA: An Essay."""

"I almost got raped in jail one time. I tell you, my family takes Monopoly way too seriously."

"Nothing makes you look like an alcoholic more than not knowing how you got a cut on your face."

"What do you get when you cross a hotdog and a potato? A dictator."

"Marriage is like a trip to the museum... You have to be really quiet and you can't touch anything."

"Teach a man to Google how to fish and he'll wind up looking at fish porn for the rest of his life."

"What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull on a children's playground."

"Every ghost story ever I walked into my house, and fell asleep. It was then, 3 hours later, I woke up and realized... I don't have a house"

"Shout-out to cows. Without them we wouldn't have burgers, pizza, chocolate, ice-cream and many other delicious food."